swirling

I was going to go out tonight. But I had a depression attack and screwed everything up. I think I am on the right track. So why does everything seem to be going wrong still. I feel like complete crap. I feel like I will not hit bottom until I have pushed everyone away so that no one will be able to see me drowning.

Cracking

I have felt like crap lately. My sanity seems to certainly be cracking. I find myself not wanting to be around anyone. I pretend to be happy and it is so exhausting. I can hardly think straight. In other words I have become severely depressed. I went to a therapist two days ago and that helped. I need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist as part of a five part attack on my depression. I called after the therapy but they were at lunch. I called today and they were closed. I have a online support group forum that I am using as well. I want things to be better, but in my current mindset it does seem hopeless. Nothing holds much meaning anymore.

Today I felt angry, and sad.

I couldn't save myself

I am going to go to therapy tomorrow. I cannot attempt to help myself anymore. I have become emptier than I ever imagined I could be. Even the person I pretend to be at work is no longer feeling any happiness, ever. I acknowledge now that I need help.

the silent witness

I dare say to he who possesses not a mouth to lay his comforting words upon me nor any way in which to reply to my tears. What wickedness, what horrors must a man commit for his punishment to be passed onto the innocence of his child. What evil must a man portray for the wrath to be passed over him?

How comforting it is to me to know that as my heart speaks there is but an echo for a reply. That the thumping shall one day stop and I shall receive my solace.

He that can lift the universe as easily as I lift my head towards the heavens. Do you care so little for the things we hold dearest to us? How great ones resolve and will must be to allow the atrocities of war, famine, and the suffering of the weakest to occur so often. How hard it must be to be the worlds only silent witness to every horrid thing that has been inflicted while knowing how simple an action it would require to stop all of it.



Humanity sleeps well tonight with you on guard, for woe to the world if I was you. The skies would be torn apart and wickedness uprooted from MY garden. Only the very best for all that I would call mine. A world in which no game must be played within the confines of my parameters. I would seek out all of mine and bring them close to me. I would not allow them the opportunity to stray far from me.

Protector, guardsman, watchman, father. All those things I would be that you are not.

the chance of life

I sometimes sit and think about the tremendous amount of chance it takes to create us all. The fact of our life is that if a hundred generations ago something went slightly different...we wouldn't exist. If our great great grandmother would not have put out at just the right moment then the little sperm would not have made it to the prize of birth. And that little scenario took place thousands of time to ultimately create me. What are the odds? Is our life just chance? Or did some Creator put the sperm into each and every egg. That is a little too hands on.

And then what of free will? Did someone actually choose you to be born. What are the ramifications to thinking of God as a very, very good sort of guy? Each and every baby that died, God chose them? God chose to make Hitler? He chose to have a thousand chances of life happen to eventually lead to one being born to die?

I do not think God is involved in this world at all really. If there is a after life, I would think he would be more involved there...you know because that would be like his house so he would care what you do there. I don't believe in a devil either. I just find it hard to believe in both. I am a one deity kind of guy. Why would you let someone mess with your children, or even your animals? If it is to "test" us, well that is just dumb. If your God then you should know who is naughty or nice. Hell, Santa Claus can do that. Which is another one I don't believe in.

What if the voyage of the sperm to the egg, which leads us to the transformation into life, is also what life is like. I am thinking maybe we die and cease to exist like the sperm may be thinking once he disappears into the egg. But then somehow we become a human being, who grew like a million times bigger with complex emotions and thoughts. What if when we go into the unknown of death we do get transformed into something else? Like a million times bigger again with REALLY complex thoughts. Yeah....and that is why the universe is expanding. To make room for us.

Relative reality

I still think about the day she died. Sometimes I have to remind myself that this life is for real. It doesn't always feel like it though. Sometimes it feels like a dream I woke up from. I want to remember and forget about it at the same time. Every time I think about that day I feel like it could happen a different way, like it did happen a different way. But I am stuck on this version of the story.

Progression is forward right?

I decided in an act of change that I will start doing things that I initially do not want to do. I seem to choose what will keep me as passive in my life as possible. So when at first I think something will be boring, or is something I would not enjoy, then I will go the opposite direction. I just wonder if this train of thinking will lead me in circles in an attempt to go forward. Today I did not want to wake up so early after a very late night. So I got up. I wanted to sit and play Xbox or watch a movie. Instead I cleaned out my Jeep, did some laundry and vacuumed the house. I did not want to write in this blog.....so I did.