improvement

I need to improve many things. I need to cultivate and grow healthy relationships with my family and friends. I need to show more attention to people I care about. I tend to view the world only through my eyes, and that has made me a selfish person. I want so much to be the idea man I carry in my heart and head. I do not want my marriage of 10 years fall apart. I want to give it my all even if it does fail. I want to know in the end that I gave it my all and that I have no regrets if it does not work. I need to look at the actions I show people more carefully. I have been such a bad person for so long it is now just natural. But like my weight now I am disgusted at how I have let myself go, not just physically but mentally. I will change.

Who are you?

Who are you that pulls me out
Who hears the pain I shout
You who know all my doubt
I give it all on my own free will
Let my conscience be clear and my mind still
I have ignored you for too long
Rights and wrongs written in song
I ask you to somehow justify my pain
Look at me, weary and broken
Teary and shaken, battered and bruised
Emotions I will never ever get used to
I want to walk where you lead
I want to grow in you as a seed
Iask with all my heart
Let everything fall apart but do not forget me
Guide me, touch me, release me from my torment
I was wrong you are always right
I didn't think about you until tonight
But I owe you for my insight
Tomorrow I start fresh with you
No more feeling rage no more feeling blue
You stayed here I can feel it
But I turned my back and the furies bit
I trust in you once again an am sorry I ever left you
My love is conditional and that's what separates us
I get it now, She is not dead and dust
but goes on living in all of us.

so sorry

Killing myself well gonna try, Am I pissed? Hell yeah why wouldn't I? I wake up in a nut hut on seroquel and Abilify. Trying to identify who to vilify, and no ones around. Got some soul searching and I hope to be found. I ain't sarcastic shits drastic, got a wife that cut up my plastic, and here I go...I'm going spastic! Ahh fantastic my ma came up to save the day and let me know the mortgage is something I should pay. But its hard to make ends meet, when ya think fuck my job man I need some sleep. Things getting tougher my wife umm yeah I think I slapped her. And I should have my goddamn ass kicked for that and things I spit. Cause 9 times out of 10, I speak to win. But laying my hands on her was my original sin. Where to begin, where to end? I got a whole lot of work to do all over again. I can't stand me when I speak freely and open up to rage, that shits bad man I end up in a cage. Ain't nothing more sobering then when bars go ca ching. And I don't even know where I've been, or the people I've seen. I just walk through a haze and see through a screen. I kept blinders on for most of my life, and I don't know how she ever would wanna be my wife. Oh well this is hell, welcome to my life. I got the tools to fix it and that's what I'm working on, too bad I had to wait till my wife and kids were gone. But that's life and I made it a hell.

I feel so lonely and empty inside
that I cannot bear it
and I fear it but it keeps coming back to me
like a fucking knive in the back everytime
I wish I could have a heart attack and die
but this shit keeps on happening
making me want to just stop being me
its plain to see with a naked eye
my brain is fried and emotions nutty like pecan pie
I cant lie the day I sat in the garage I felt lousy
a dozen pills and I felt drowsy but all the pain left inside
I couldnt swallow my pride so grab some xanax outta my ride
me and the jeep sat contemplating death
never did I think that was enough for arrest
but I must attest I commited no crime although I gave it my best
Inside a dozen downers woke up the rage in me
caused me to fly off the handle like I was on speed
and the whole time I thought all that I need
was my friend my wife my fucking soul mate
instead she could nt deal with me cuz I was so Irate
im guessing to die was just not in my fate

slow down calm your breathing I think your seeing
the end is near but along with the joy came all of the fear
what if this is it and you get no pearly gate
you get nothing but this one chance for petes sake

dont throw it away on a wife would just leave you
dont give her what she wants and play her fool
not anymore not this time not a chance
not gonna give you not even one last dance
Not gonna yell or cry out for help
not gonna ask why all this shit keeps piling on me
no one wants to be around or even see me
I lost it I forgot it and nows its just too late
just hoping for a short term escape
I wanna run so far away to a place I can feel safe
take my daughter on my arm to my grave and rest peacefully
knowing that nobodys coming cuz nobody misses me,

Thoughts for the day

My wife has left me feeling so bad that I almost do not want to ever think about how she has made me feel. I am doing a good job of not letting anything bother me, but I wonder if i can keep it up.

contradictory (BP II)

I like all people, really. No I don't that is silly.
I want to be bothered, but I would rather be alone.
I want to go out, and stay inside.
I believe in something, but it may be nothing.
I like to be scared, but that is getting boring.
I want it all, but it must have a meaning.
I wish I could live forever, until I choose to die.
I know everything, but do not know why.
I cannot decide, that I have decided.
I love to dance, yet will not try it.
Contradictions is what I am writing.
My own self is who I am fighting.

my Parade

I see that it is me, straining on parading on
Tossing the ticker tape for my own funeral
Cowering now, scouring now
Searching for the reason to the origins
Felt just beneath my skin is where it begins
Then the parade, the charade
Moves on its way, it cannot stay
But it promises to return to me someday.

feeling colors

All these feelings in all these colors
Red, Green, Blue, and swirling
Yellow jumping into the mix
Rendering the emotional landscape Black
Cold and lonely in a palette of pain
The artists control of the picture painted
Is something he loses
And not done in the color he chooses.

swirling

I was going to go out tonight. But I had a depression attack and screwed everything up. I think I am on the right track. So why does everything seem to be going wrong still. I feel like complete crap. I feel like I will not hit bottom until I have pushed everyone away so that no one will be able to see me drowning.

Cracking

I have felt like crap lately. My sanity seems to certainly be cracking. I find myself not wanting to be around anyone. I pretend to be happy and it is so exhausting. I can hardly think straight. In other words I have become severely depressed. I went to a therapist two days ago and that helped. I need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist as part of a five part attack on my depression. I called after the therapy but they were at lunch. I called today and they were closed. I have a online support group forum that I am using as well. I want things to be better, but in my current mindset it does seem hopeless. Nothing holds much meaning anymore.

Today I felt angry, and sad.

I couldn't save myself

I am going to go to therapy tomorrow. I cannot attempt to help myself anymore. I have become emptier than I ever imagined I could be. Even the person I pretend to be at work is no longer feeling any happiness, ever. I acknowledge now that I need help.

the silent witness

I dare say to he who possesses not a mouth to lay his comforting words upon me nor any way in which to reply to my tears. What wickedness, what horrors must a man commit for his punishment to be passed onto the innocence of his child. What evil must a man portray for the wrath to be passed over him?

How comforting it is to me to know that as my heart speaks there is but an echo for a reply. That the thumping shall one day stop and I shall receive my solace.

He that can lift the universe as easily as I lift my head towards the heavens. Do you care so little for the things we hold dearest to us? How great ones resolve and will must be to allow the atrocities of war, famine, and the suffering of the weakest to occur so often. How hard it must be to be the worlds only silent witness to every horrid thing that has been inflicted while knowing how simple an action it would require to stop all of it.



Humanity sleeps well tonight with you on guard, for woe to the world if I was you. The skies would be torn apart and wickedness uprooted from MY garden. Only the very best for all that I would call mine. A world in which no game must be played within the confines of my parameters. I would seek out all of mine and bring them close to me. I would not allow them the opportunity to stray far from me.

Protector, guardsman, watchman, father. All those things I would be that you are not.

the chance of life

I sometimes sit and think about the tremendous amount of chance it takes to create us all. The fact of our life is that if a hundred generations ago something went slightly different...we wouldn't exist. If our great great grandmother would not have put out at just the right moment then the little sperm would not have made it to the prize of birth. And that little scenario took place thousands of time to ultimately create me. What are the odds? Is our life just chance? Or did some Creator put the sperm into each and every egg. That is a little too hands on.

And then what of free will? Did someone actually choose you to be born. What are the ramifications to thinking of God as a very, very good sort of guy? Each and every baby that died, God chose them? God chose to make Hitler? He chose to have a thousand chances of life happen to eventually lead to one being born to die?

I do not think God is involved in this world at all really. If there is a after life, I would think he would be more involved there...you know because that would be like his house so he would care what you do there. I don't believe in a devil either. I just find it hard to believe in both. I am a one deity kind of guy. Why would you let someone mess with your children, or even your animals? If it is to "test" us, well that is just dumb. If your God then you should know who is naughty or nice. Hell, Santa Claus can do that. Which is another one I don't believe in.

What if the voyage of the sperm to the egg, which leads us to the transformation into life, is also what life is like. I am thinking maybe we die and cease to exist like the sperm may be thinking once he disappears into the egg. But then somehow we become a human being, who grew like a million times bigger with complex emotions and thoughts. What if when we go into the unknown of death we do get transformed into something else? Like a million times bigger again with REALLY complex thoughts. Yeah....and that is why the universe is expanding. To make room for us.

Relative reality

I still think about the day she died. Sometimes I have to remind myself that this life is for real. It doesn't always feel like it though. Sometimes it feels like a dream I woke up from. I want to remember and forget about it at the same time. Every time I think about that day I feel like it could happen a different way, like it did happen a different way. But I am stuck on this version of the story.

Progression is forward right?

I decided in an act of change that I will start doing things that I initially do not want to do. I seem to choose what will keep me as passive in my life as possible. So when at first I think something will be boring, or is something I would not enjoy, then I will go the opposite direction. I just wonder if this train of thinking will lead me in circles in an attempt to go forward. Today I did not want to wake up so early after a very late night. So I got up. I wanted to sit and play Xbox or watch a movie. Instead I cleaned out my Jeep, did some laundry and vacuumed the house. I did not want to write in this blog.....so I did.