improvement

I need to improve many things. I need to cultivate and grow healthy relationships with my family and friends. I need to show more attention to people I care about. I tend to view the world only through my eyes, and that has made me a selfish person. I want so much to be the idea man I carry in my heart and head. I do not want my marriage of 10 years fall apart. I want to give it my all even if it does fail. I want to know in the end that I gave it my all and that I have no regrets if it does not work. I need to look at the actions I show people more carefully. I have been such a bad person for so long it is now just natural. But like my weight now I am disgusted at how I have let myself go, not just physically but mentally. I will change.

Who are you?

Who are you that pulls me out
Who hears the pain I shout
You who know all my doubt
I give it all on my own free will
Let my conscience be clear and my mind still
I have ignored you for too long
Rights and wrongs written in song
I ask you to somehow justify my pain
Look at me, weary and broken
Teary and shaken, battered and bruised
Emotions I will never ever get used to
I want to walk where you lead
I want to grow in you as a seed
Iask with all my heart
Let everything fall apart but do not forget me
Guide me, touch me, release me from my torment
I was wrong you are always right
I didn't think about you until tonight
But I owe you for my insight
Tomorrow I start fresh with you
No more feeling rage no more feeling blue
You stayed here I can feel it
But I turned my back and the furies bit
I trust in you once again an am sorry I ever left you
My love is conditional and that's what separates us
I get it now, She is not dead and dust
but goes on living in all of us.

so sorry

Killing myself well gonna try, Am I pissed? Hell yeah why wouldn't I? I wake up in a nut hut on seroquel and Abilify. Trying to identify who to vilify, and no ones around. Got some soul searching and I hope to be found. I ain't sarcastic shits drastic, got a wife that cut up my plastic, and here I go...I'm going spastic! Ahh fantastic my ma came up to save the day and let me know the mortgage is something I should pay. But its hard to make ends meet, when ya think fuck my job man I need some sleep. Things getting tougher my wife umm yeah I think I slapped her. And I should have my goddamn ass kicked for that and things I spit. Cause 9 times out of 10, I speak to win. But laying my hands on her was my original sin. Where to begin, where to end? I got a whole lot of work to do all over again. I can't stand me when I speak freely and open up to rage, that shits bad man I end up in a cage. Ain't nothing more sobering then when bars go ca ching. And I don't even know where I've been, or the people I've seen. I just walk through a haze and see through a screen. I kept blinders on for most of my life, and I don't know how she ever would wanna be my wife. Oh well this is hell, welcome to my life. I got the tools to fix it and that's what I'm working on, too bad I had to wait till my wife and kids were gone. But that's life and I made it a hell.

I feel so lonely and empty inside
that I cannot bear it
and I fear it but it keeps coming back to me
like a fucking knive in the back everytime
I wish I could have a heart attack and die
but this shit keeps on happening
making me want to just stop being me
its plain to see with a naked eye
my brain is fried and emotions nutty like pecan pie
I cant lie the day I sat in the garage I felt lousy
a dozen pills and I felt drowsy but all the pain left inside
I couldnt swallow my pride so grab some xanax outta my ride
me and the jeep sat contemplating death
never did I think that was enough for arrest
but I must attest I commited no crime although I gave it my best
Inside a dozen downers woke up the rage in me
caused me to fly off the handle like I was on speed
and the whole time I thought all that I need
was my friend my wife my fucking soul mate
instead she could nt deal with me cuz I was so Irate
im guessing to die was just not in my fate

slow down calm your breathing I think your seeing
the end is near but along with the joy came all of the fear
what if this is it and you get no pearly gate
you get nothing but this one chance for petes sake

dont throw it away on a wife would just leave you
dont give her what she wants and play her fool
not anymore not this time not a chance
not gonna give you not even one last dance
Not gonna yell or cry out for help
not gonna ask why all this shit keeps piling on me
no one wants to be around or even see me
I lost it I forgot it and nows its just too late
just hoping for a short term escape
I wanna run so far away to a place I can feel safe
take my daughter on my arm to my grave and rest peacefully
knowing that nobodys coming cuz nobody misses me,

Thoughts for the day

My wife has left me feeling so bad that I almost do not want to ever think about how she has made me feel. I am doing a good job of not letting anything bother me, but I wonder if i can keep it up.

contradictory (BP II)

I like all people, really. No I don't that is silly.
I want to be bothered, but I would rather be alone.
I want to go out, and stay inside.
I believe in something, but it may be nothing.
I like to be scared, but that is getting boring.
I want it all, but it must have a meaning.
I wish I could live forever, until I choose to die.
I know everything, but do not know why.
I cannot decide, that I have decided.
I love to dance, yet will not try it.
Contradictions is what I am writing.
My own self is who I am fighting.